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[ Wed Sep 22nd/ 4:18am ] |
[Private to self—although Santiago can read if he likes]
So…recently I turned 400 years old. 400! Back when I was growing up, it was a miracle upon miracles if you made it to 60 years old. I’ve seen the world shape and change into ways I never even dreamed imaginable! The formation of America, the electric light, indoor plumbing, credit cards, malls, reality shows! So much has happened that you’d be burnt at the stake for even considering in my day. They’d think you were a witch or crazy!
This milestone in my life has me thinking of my mother. Before mother died, my life was perfect. Father actually cared about me. Then mother died and he pushed me aside for his whores. He got the son he always wanted out of my step mother. I pity the fact that I never got to knew him. I should go and keep tabs on my family line. Perhaps if they need something, if they are struggling in these trying times, I’ll anonymously send them some money.
I don’t think of my grandparents anymore, or even Lucio. Lucio…my first love. Well, can he be considered my first love? Perhaps he could be considered more of a crush. We were silly and foolish to run away from grandfather’s farm. If we hadn’t run away…life would have probably turned out very differently for me. So in the long run, I’m glad I ran away, I’m glad I was murdered and given this new chance at life. Otherwise I wouldn’t be in this state of happiness right now with Santiago.
I’ve had an interesting life, but a good one. I work for the most powerful vampires in the world, and to top it off, I’m the head bodyguard for the fucking leader! And my father said I’d never amount to anything. Three words: Fuck. You. Father. I’ve made it father than he ever expected, and it brings me incredible joy and a sense of smugness to know that had I gone back to my home after I had been turned, he would have feared me, pleaded for his life even. This life, this new life I have been given has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I have the world’s most amazing best friends in Corin and Felix. Corin is like my little sister and closest confidant. It’s hard to get close to the girls here. Jane…well the only friend Jane has is Alec, Heidi is too invested in her job—even though she is a very lovely young lady to go shopping with from time to time and Chelsea is too busy attending to poor master Marcus and spending time with her mate. So when Corin came and joined our ranks, it was like my own personal little Angel sent down to me. We got along instantly and have been inseparable ever since. That will never, ever change. I know she was concerned that because I now have a mate—which, my dearest long, I will get to in a second—that I wouldn’t have time for her—that things wouldn’t be the same. I will always make time for her and I’m so grateful that she’s starting to accept that and that our friendship is not damaged in any way. I don’t think I could bear the loss of her friendship. And what can I say about my dear Felix? Felix is like life giving me a chance to have a brother—since I never got a chance to know mine. We fight like siblings too, so it works. I can only hope that those two work their differences out. It’s so obvious that they love each other. I want them to be as happy as I am. Yes my dearest log I am happy, I’m happy because of my amazingly wonderful friends, but most importantly, I am happy because I have the most amazing, incredible man as my mate. A man I love more than my own life, a man who I would protect by sacrificing my own life if it ever came down to it. I’m of course, talking about Santiago.
I never thought I could be this happy or that I ever deserved to be this happy, yet here I am, walking on air. It’s like I’m in one of those mortal fairy tales that begin with Once Upon A Time and end with the happily ever after. I wonder if mother would have approved of him? Probably! How could she not. He’s so wonderful, despite what he thinks about himself. I love him, I mean really truly love him. He treats me the way a real man should treat a lady. He has eyes only for me. He can never get enough of me. As much as I roll my eyes and tell him there is more to being a mate than just having sex all the time—I’m very flattered that he feels that way about me.
I know he’s upset about this Aro situation though. He won’t come out and say it. He’s not big on mushy conversation. It was hard enough for him to announce to the entire guard, the Masters and their wives that he had taken me as his mate—so to sit down and have him discuss his feelings on this situation? Not good. I’m hoping over our long and happy life together I can get him to open up and talk to me more openly about things. We don’t have to announce things to the world—our conversations can stay between us. I was surprised and flattered and so amazingly happy—I’m using that word a lot, aren’t I? Anyway, I was so amazingly happy that he wasn’t ashamed of the fact that were mates, that he was proud enough to announce it to our family. It made me feel…so good. Like I was worthy of having him love me. He’s more than worthy of my love.
About the Aro situation..I had to tell him! Despite Caius’ warning not to tell a single soul (other than Corin who I had already run crying too—figuratively of course as we can’t cry). Santiago is my mate. And even though he hadn’t taken me as my mate at the time—I was still so in love with me—and he had to know why I wasn’t fighting to make him see we belonged together. He’s so used to the feisty Renata. The Renata who doesn’t take shit from anybody, whose blunt and lets the world know what she want. Aro killed that inside me. Santiago revived it. He deserved to know the truth. Someday—when Caius isn’t so angry, I will confess what I did. I can only hope that he will respect the fact that I was honest and told him the truth and spare my life and Santiago’s. He seems to favor my darling boy, perhaps that will be our saving grace.
Do I feel awful about what happened? Of course I do! It was a situation that should have never taken place. Things were…complicated at the time. Santiago and I had just broken up….Master Aro was having marital problems with Sulpicia. He came into my room to talk about the mission…of course it didn’t help that I was changing at the time and he walked in on me topless. After that situation was taken care of and the awkwardness had settled he was talking about how he wanted to go acquire Edward and Alice Cullen. I was so scared of being replaced—of being fired and sent away. I mean think about it: with a mind reader and a psychic future seer—there would be no reason to have me as his personal bodyguard anymore. Alice would see the danger coming, Edward would be able to read the minds and tell if someone meant harm and Felix would dispose of them. I would fit in nowhere. He sensed the panic in me—and I guess he was just so lonely—so stressed over his failing marriage—that he kissed me and fondled me some. It pains me to admit I kissed him back slightly.
I’m a horrible person! Even though Santiago and I were broken up at the time—it’s Santiago I still love. It hurts me beyond reason that Aro now insists we can never be the friends we were again. All I’ve known in my life is betrayal from men: First my father, my grandfather wanted to marry me off to the highest bidder so he wouldn’t have to feed, clothe or shelter me, Lucio went down like a ton of bricks when those strangers attacked us, my maker was a man who left me for dead and now Aro—my redeeming father figure no longer wishes to speak with me or be friends with me. I’d include Santiago in that list of betrayal but…we are together now. I consider our separation a small rift, a lovers spat. Everyone goes through those.
Would I have kissed Aro back had Santiago and I been together at the time? Absolutely not. My heart will always remain loyal to Santiago. He’s the only one I want. I was so emotionally and mentally drained over our entire situation that I let an incident occur that should not have occurred. Aro suffered tremendous guilt as well. And for awhile I felt guilty, but now I’m stubborn and couldn’t care less. If he doesn’t want to be my friend? Fine. He should feel guilty! Had Santiago and I been together at the time and Aro tried that shit, I would have knocked his face in.
Do I still want to be friends with my boss? Sure, of course I do. It makes guarding his very life a lot easier if we can look each other in the fucking face instead of anywhere else. But I’m going to leave that up to him. I’m much too busy focusing on a life and a very happy future with my mate. I’ll still guard him of course, that’s my job, but if he doesn’t want to talk to me, no sweat off my back. I’ll just be busy—texting my mate dirty limericks.
In any case, now Santiago is mad. At me? Probably. At himself? I dunno. If he is, he shouldn’t be. He places so much blame on himself and is always putting himself down. I wish he wouldn’t do that. I wish he would see the wonderful man that I fell in love with a long, long time ago. Is he mad at Aro? Who knows. Being mad at Aro won’t get him anywhere. It’s not like he can go defend my honor or anything.
I am just so…thankful, grateful…there aren’t enough adjectives to describe how incredibly fucking happy I am that despite all of that, my confession that I still loved him, that I still wanted to be with him, that I always want to be with him. In the end, I was the one to plead with him, the one that told him I believed we had a future together. He wanted the Renata who knew what she wanted back, and he got it. He’s the one I want and I’ll never let him go again. I know he was scared of hurting me in the past, but the only way he was hurting me was denying me a future with him. Again, my sweet Santiago needs to build up some confidence in himself. He’s smarter than he gives himself credit for, and he’s one of the more caring souls I’ve met in a long time.
After 400 years, I, Renata Tullus have a mate. I have a lover, a partner, a friend that I think my mother would have truly approved of. It doesn’t matter that our respective best friends disprove of our chosen mates, we are truly happy together and that’s all that matters. I think whenever I complain about the ‘honeymoon’ phase lasting too long and how I wish we could keep our hands off each other long enough to do something else I’ll come back and read this entry and remind myself about what’s important in life. Because truly? I hope the honeymoon phase never ends. I hope we never get to a point in our lives where we don’t want to have sex. The rest of the things that happen in a relationship such as going out dancing, going for strolls and the like will come in time. For now however, I’m more than content to ruin my clothes, wreck our beds and have endless amounts of sex with my man. He’s the only man besides Lucio I’ve ever been with—and I don’t think I ever need to sample anyone else to know that he’s the best at what he does.
Momma, I don’t know where you are or if there, please know that I’m alright. I have good friends and a man that loves me. I don’t think you could have asked for any more for your only daughter.
That is all for now my dearest log.
Until next time,
Renata Tullus Cabrera
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